137+ Comebacks, Roasts, and Burns for Every Situation (Funny, Clever, Unique) (2024)

When it comes to verbal exchanges, a well-timed comeback, roast, or burn can be a powerful tool.

Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood with a funny quip or deliver a savage burn, having a repertoire of comebacks at your disposal can be a game-changer.

Below, we will explore a variety of comebacks, roasts, and burns that you can use in different situations.

At the same time, remember to be kind and empathetic where possible, as saying certain things can damage relationships you care about.

We do not condone the use of comebacks, roasts, and burns in such cases.

Table of Contents

Best Comebacks

  1. “I’m sorry, were you talking to me, or chewing a brick? Because I couldn’t tell.”
  2. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
  3. “I’ve been called worse things by better people.”
  4. “If I wanted a spineless opinion, I would’ve asked a jellyfish.”
  5. “I’d give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.”
  6. “I treasure the time I don’t spend with you.”
  7. “I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.”
  8. “I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have the time or the crayons.”
  9. “Your ignorance is encyclopedic.”
  10. “If you’re waiting for me to care, you might want to pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”
  11. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
  12. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have a root canal.”
  13. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
  14. “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
  15. “Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

Good Comebacks

  1. “I’ve heard smarter things from a toddler.”
  2. “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.”
  3. “You’re like a smartphone with no apps… basically useless.”
  4. “I’d say you’re a waste of space, but space is infinite.”
  5. “I’d call you dumb, but that would be an insult to dumb people.”
  6. “I’d love to see things from your perspective, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my a–.”
  7. “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.”
  8. “I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.”
  9. “You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.”
  10. “If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?”
  11. “You’re like a dictionary; you add meaning to my life, but you’re also a little thick.”
  12. “I’d like to see your point of view, but it’s impossible to get my head that far up my rear.”
  13. “You’re the reason aliens won’t visit us.”
  14. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a brighter day.”
  15. “I’d love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.”

Great Comebacks

  1. “I’d love to engage in a battle of wits, but it seems you’re unarmed.”
  2. “You’re not just a halfwit. You’re a no-wit.”
  3. “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
  4. “You’re the human equivalent of traffic.”
  5. “You’re like a USB port, it takes several tries to get you to understand.”
  6. “I’d say you’re a dream come true, but that would be a nightmare.”
  7. “You’re the reason why shampoo has instructions.”
  8. “You’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic, aren’t you?”
  9. “You’re the human equivalent of a WiFi signal… weak.”
  10. “I’d challenge you to a duel of wits, but I see you’ve come unarmed.”
  11. “You’re the human representation of a participation award.”
  12. “You’re like a GPS with no directions… utterly pointless.”
  13. “You’re a prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  14. “You’re the reason siblings are made.”

Funny Comebacks

  1. “If you were any slower, you’d be going backward.”
  2. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m allergic to dumb.”
  3. “You’re like a Monday morning, nobody likes you.”
  4. “You’re like a dictionary; you add meaning to my life, but you’re also a little thick.”
  5. “If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.”
  6. “I’d love to insult you, but the sad truth is, you wouldn’t understand a word.”
  7. “You’re like a smartphone with no apps… basically useless.”
  8. “You’re like a pencil with no lead… pointless.”
  9. You’re like a book with no words… a waste of space.”
  10. “You’re like a GPS that only leads to dead ends.”
  11. “You’re like a calculator with no buttons… pointless.”
  12. “You’re like a phone with no battery… not going to last long.”
  13. “You’re like a computer with no memory… forgetful.”
  14. “You’re like a clock that doesn’t tell time… pointless.”
  15. “You’re like a car with no wheels… going nowhere.”

Witty Comebacks

  1. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
  2. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
  3. “I’m not sarcastic, I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
  4. “I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”
  5. “I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.”
  6. “I’d give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.”
  7. “I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have the time or the crayons.”
  8. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
  9. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have a root canal.”
  10. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
  11. “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
  12. “Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
  13. “I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.”
  14. “You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.”
  15. “I’d love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.”

Savage Comebacks

  1. “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
  2. “You’re the reason why shampoo has instructions.”
  3. “You’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic, aren’t you?”
  4. “You’re the human equivalent of a WiFi signal… weak.”
  5. “I’d challenge you to a duel of wits, but I see you’ve come unarmed.”
  6. “You’re the human representation of a participation award.”
  7. “You’re like a GPS with no directions… utterly pointless.”
  8. “You’re a prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  9. “You’re the reason siblings are made.”
  10. “You’re like a smartphone with no apps… a complete waste of space.”
  11. “You’re the human equivalent of traffic.”
  12. “You’re not just a halfwit. You’re a no-wit.”
  13. “You’re the reason why siblings are made.”
  14. “You’re like a USB port, it takes several tries to get you to understand.”
  15. “You’re the human equivalent of a participation award.”

Snarky Comebacks

  1. “I’d love to engage in a battle of wits, but it seems you’re unarmed.”
  2. “You’re not just a halfwit. You’re a no-wit.”
  3. “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
  4. “You’re the human equivalent of traffic.”
  5. “You’re like a USB port, it takes several tries to get you to understand.”
  6. “I’d say you’re a dream come true, but that would be a nightmare.”
  7. “You’re the reason why shampoo has instructions.”
  8. “You’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic, aren’t you?”
  9. “You’re the human equivalent of a WiFi signal… weak.”
  10. “I’d challenge you to a duel of wits, but I see you’ve come unarmed.”
  11. “You’re the human representation of a participation award.”
  12. “You’re like a GPS with no directions… utterly pointless.”
  13. “You’re a prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  14. “You’re the reason siblings are made.”

One-Line Comebacks

  1. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
  2. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
  3. “I’m not sarcastic, I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
  4. “I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”
  5. “I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.”
  6. “I’d give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.”
  7. “I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have the time or the crayons.”
  8. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
  9. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have a root canal.”
  10. “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
  11. “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
  12. “Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
  13. “I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.”
  14. “You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.”
  15. “I’d love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.”

Sick Burns

  1. “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
  2. “You’re the reason why shampoo has instructions.”
  3. “You’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic, aren’t you?”
  4. “You’re the human equivalent of a WiFi signal… weak.”
  5. “I’d challenge you to a duel of wits, but I see you’ve come unarmed.”
  6. “You’re the human representation of a participation award.”
  7. “You’re like a GPS with no directions… utterly pointless.”
  8. “You’re a prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  9. “You’re the reason siblings are made.”
  10. “You’re like a smartphone with no apps… a complete waste of space.”
  11. “You’re the human equivalent of traffic.”
  12. “You’re not just a halfwit. You’re a no-wit.”
  13. “You’re the reason why siblings are made.”
  14. “You’re like a USB port, it takes several tries to get you to understand.”
  15. “You’re the human equivalent of a participation award.”

33 Of The Best Comebacks In The History Of Burns

While these comebacks can be funny and clever, they should be used responsibly and not to genuinely hurt or demean others.

Always prioritize kindness and empathy in your interactions with others.

FAQs – Comebacks, Roasts, and Burns for Every Situation

1. What is the difference between a comeback, a roast, and a burn?

Comebacks are quick replies to a comment or insult, often used to defend oneself.

Roasts are humorous and often exaggerated statements made about someone, typically in a public setting, meant to poke fun at them.

Burns are sharp, witty remarks that are intended to insult or criticize someone.

2. When is it appropriate to use a comeback, roast, or burn?

Comebacks are best used in casual conversations when someone makes a light-hearted jab or insult.

Roasts are typically reserved for events or settings where it’s understood that the intention is comedic, such as a roast event.

Burns should be used sparingly, as they can be hurtful; ensure the situation and relationship with the person warrants it.

3. Can using these remarks damage relationships?

Yes, if used inappropriately or excessively, these remarks can strain or damage relationships.

It’s essential to gauge the other person’s comfort level and ensure mutual understanding.

4. How can I craft a witty comeback or roast on the spot?

Listen actively to what the other person is saying.

Think of a playful twist or exaggeration related to their comment.

Stay calm and confident in your delivery.

5. Are there any topics or subjects that should be avoided?

Sensitive personal topics, such as race, religion, physical appearance, and family, should be approached with caution or avoided.

Always be aware of cultural and individual sensitivities.

6. How can I handle it if someone is offended by my remark?

Apologize sincerely and clarify your intentions. Avoid making similar remarks in the future with that person.

Open a dialogue to understand their feelings and perspective.

7. Are there any famous figures known for their comebacks, roasts, or burns?

Yes, figures like Winston Churchill, Groucho Marx, and Mae West are known for their witty remarks.

Many comedians and late-night show hosts are also renowned for their roasting abilities.

8. How can I practice and improve my ability to come up with witty remarks?

Watch stand-up comedy or roast events to study the structure of jokes.

Engage in playful banter with friends. Read books or articles on humor and wit.

9. Is it okay to use pre-prepared remarks?

While spontaneous remarks are often more appreciated, having a few pre-prepared lines can be useful in certain situations.

Ensure they are relevant to the situation and not overly rehearsed.

10. How can I ensure my remarks are humorous and not hurtful?

Always consider the feelings and sensitivities of the other person.

Aim for light-hearted and playful remarks.

Avoid topics that are deeply personal or controversial.

137+ Comebacks, Roasts, and Burns for Every Situation (Funny, Clever, Unique) (2024)

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