359 Best Roasts (Which You Can Use in Every Situation) (2024)

359 Best Roasts (Which You Can Use in Every Situation) (1)

by Matěj Halouska

Are you looking for great roasts? You have found the right place!

We have prepared for you a huge collection of roasts divided into several categories: funny, unique, creative, clever, weird, badass, savage, and more….

You can jump directly to your favorite category:

The Best Roasts

  1. If I wanted to kill myself, I would simply jump from your ego to your IQ.
  2. If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
  3. Whatever doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
  4. You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
  5. I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
  6. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
  7. If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
  8. I can’t wait to spend my whole life without you.
  9. Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
  10. You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.
  11. I don’t hate you, but if you were drowning, I would give you a high five.
  12. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
  13. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
  14. I didn’t mean to offend you… but it was a huge plus.
  15. There is someone out there for everyone. For you, it’s a therapist.
  1. Sorry I can’t think of an insult dumb enough for you to understand.
  2. You are the sun in my life… now get 93 million miles away from me.
  3. I would smack you, but I’m against animal abuse.
  4. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.
  5. That sounds like a you problem.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Whoever told you to be yourself, gave you a bad advice.
  8. You have such a beautiful face… But let’s put a bag over that personality.
  9. I envy people who have never met you.
  10. If I throw a stick, will you leave me too?
  11. I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
  12. You’re impossible to underestimate.
  13. People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
  14. When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time… and walk past.
  15. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
359 Best Roasts (Which You Can Use in Every Situation) (2)

Funny Roasts

  1. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
  2. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
  3. You are the reason why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.
  4. Every time I have a stick in my hand, you look like a pinata.
  5. Honey, only thing bothering me is placed between your ears.
  6. You are like a software update. every time I see you, I immediately think “not now”.
  7. I told my therapist about you; she didn’t believe me.
  8. I like the way you comb your hair, so horns don’t show up.
  9. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
  10. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
  11. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and poop out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
  12. If I had a dollar every time you shut up, I would give it back as a thank you.
  13. I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
  14. You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
  15. I would call you an idiot, but it would be an insult for stupid people.
  1. Only thing that is pleasing about our relationship is that you are no longer in it.
  2. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  3. It is hilarious how you are trying to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
  4. You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
  5. Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
  6. I’ve been called worse by better.
  7. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  8. Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the sh*t that comes out of your mouth.
  9. Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
  10. Grab a straw, because you suck.
  11. When I look at you, I think to myself where have you been my whole life? Can you go back there?
  12. Have a nice day… somewhere else.
  13. You were so happy for the negativity of your Covid test, we didn’t want to spoil the happiness by telling you it was an IQ test.
  14. Did you know your incubator had tinted windows? That explains a lot.
  15. The last time I saw something like you, it was behind metal grids.

Unique Roasts

  1. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
  2. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
  3. Don’t get bitter, just get better.
  4. Ola soy Dora. Can you help me find where we asked?
  5. Are you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
  6. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
  7. May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
  8. Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  9. I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
  10. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
  11. You are the reason why God is not talking to us anymore.
  12. Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
  13. You’ll never be the man your mom is.
  14. It would be a great day If you used a glue stick instead of Chapstick.
  15. I look at you and think what a waste of two billion years of evolution.
  1. You can’t imagine how much happiness you can bring… by leaving the room.
  2. When I listen to you, I think you’re really going to go far. I hope you stay there.
  3. I know you don’t like me, that says a lot. You need to acquire a better taste.
  4. It’s all about balance… you start talking, I stop listening.
  5. I’m sorry… Did my back hurt your knife?
  6. When I see you coming, I get pre annoyed. I’m just giving myself a head start.
  7. Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
  8. Cry me a river, then drown yourself in it.
  9. I think you just need a high five… in the face… with a chair.
  10. Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.
  11. You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.
  12. Everyone is allowed to act stupid once, but you… you are abusing that privilege.
  13. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  14. You look like a ‘before’ picture.
  15. Yes, I’m fully vaccinated, but I will still not hang out with you.
359 Best Roasts (Which You Can Use in Every Situation) (3)

Creative Roasts

  1. Somewhere a tree is producing oxygen for you. I’m sorry for it.
  2. Earth is full. Go home.
  3. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
  4. You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
  5. You’re not stupid! You just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
  6. What is wrong with you? Have you had too many drugs in the mental hospital today?
  7. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
  8. Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
  9. Let me tell you. If I don’t answer you the first time, what makes you think the next 25 will work?
  10. Oh, sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours?
  11. Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
  12. I am not ignoring you; I am just giving you time to understand what you just said.
  13. It is better to shut your mouth and make people think you are stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
  14. Why are you rolling your eyes? Are you looking for your brain?
  15. If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard.
  1. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
  2. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
  3. You haven’t changed since last time I saw you. You should.
  4. Hurting you is the least thing I want to do… but it’s still on the list.
  5. Where’d you get your clothes, girl, American Apparently Not?
  6. I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
  7. I am jealous of people who didn’t meet you.
  8. Every time I think you can’t get any dumber, you are proving me wrong.
  9. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
  10. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  11. Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
  12. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
  13. Everyone has a purpose in this life, yours is to become an organ donor.
  14. Where is your off button?
  15. Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?

Clever Roasts

  1. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
  2. You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
  3. The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
  4. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
  5. Your face makes onions cry.
  6. You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.
  7. The people who know me the least have the most to say.
  8. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
  9. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
  10. Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?
  11. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.
  12. Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
  13. I’m visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
  14. My middle finger gets a boner every time I see you.
  15. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
  1. I didn’t change. I grew up. You should try it sometime.
  2. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  3. I have heels higher than your standards.
  4. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
  5. Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.
  6. I might be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
  7. 90% of your ‘beauty’ could be removed with a Kleenex.
  8. I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
  9. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
  10. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.
  11. I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.
  12. My hair straightener is hotter than you.
  13. You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
  14. You sound reasonable… Time to up my medication.
  15. You’re the reason I prefer animals to people.

Savage Roasts

  1. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
  2. It’s scary to think people like you are allowed to vote.
  3. Don’t worry — the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
  4. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
  5. I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might just find one.
  6. I’m sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego.
  7. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
  8. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
  9. Maybe you should eat make-up so you’ll be pretty on the inside too.
  10. You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
  11. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
  12. I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.
  13. I’m not an astronomer but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you.
  14. I am not ignoring you. I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
  15. You are the human version of period cramps.
  1. Some people should use a glue stick instead of chapstick.
  2. When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there in case it needs help.
  3. You should really come with a warning label.
  4. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
  5. No, no. I am listening. It just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
  6. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
  7. You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.
  8. I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.
  9. I’d explain it to you but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.
  10. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
  11. Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.
  12. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  13. Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
  14. Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
  15. Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
359 Best Roasts (Which You Can Use in Every Situation) (4)

Weird Roasts

  1. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.
  2. N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”
  3. Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
  4. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.
  5. How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
  6. Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?
  7. Acting like a prick doesn’t make yours grow bigger.
  8. When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?
  9. I’m listening. Just give me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
  10. The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was a penis.
  11. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice.
  12. Too bad you can’t count jumping to conclusions and running your mouth as exercise.
  13. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
  14. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
  15. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
  1. Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ____!”
  2. Is your drama going to an intermission soon?
  3. I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.
  4. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
  5. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.
  6. Bye, hope to see you never.
  7. Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck it back in.
  8. Someday you’ll go far… and I really hope you stay there.
  9. My business is my business. Unless you’re a thong, get out of my ass.
  10. If I wanted a bitch, I would have bought a dog.
  11. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  12. I don’t sugarcoat sh*t. I’m not Willy Wonka.
  13. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
  14. You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.
  15. You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.

Badass Roasts

  1. I’m sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the way you treat everyone all the time.
  2. The only work-life balance I want is being away from you.
  3. You don’t like me, then f*ck off. Problem solved.
  4. Calm down. Take a deep breath and then hold it for about twenty minutes.
  5. I hide behind sarcasm because telling you to go f*ck yourself is rude in most social situations.
  6. I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
  7. Yes, I am a bitch — just not yours.
  8. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
  9. The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
  10. You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room.
  11. I guess if you actually ever spoke your mind, you’d really be speechless.
  12. Being a bitch is a tough job but someone has to do it.
  13. Life is full of disappointments, and I just added you to the list.
  14. Your nasty behavior is the reason for your receding hairline.
  15. Everyone brings happiness to a room. I do when I enter, you do when you leave.
  1. You should wear a condom on your head. If you’re going to be a dick, you might as well dress like one.
  2. I didn’t change. I grew up. You should try it sometime.
  3. Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
  4. Since you know it all, you should know when to shut up.
  5. Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
  6. You’re like a plunger. You like to bring up old sh*t.
  7. I treasure the time I don’t spend with you.
  8. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
  9. Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like bullsh*t falls out of yours.
  10. Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?
  11. Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.
  12. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
  13. I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
  14. I’m sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullsh*t.
  15. You’re so real. A real ass.

Cool Roasts

  1. You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.
  2. Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
  3. Heaven knows if you were taller, you wouldn’t get any boyfriends.
  4. I’m jealous of people that don’t know you!
  5. Even if you married, you’d still be single.
  6. Serial killers would run mad if they tried to make you a victim.
  7. If you could smell you, you wouldn’t be friends with you.
  8. Aha! I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
  9. Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
  10. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
  11. Silence is the best answer for a fool
  12. You can attract bees with honey; in your case, it’s flies and feces.
  13. The salt on this food is enough to kill an earthworm.
  14. You are the only friend in our group who’s going to hell.
  15. I know I make stupid choices, but you’re the worst of all my choices.
  1. I think I’ve seen you before, but I’m pretty sure I had to pay admission last time.
  2. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
  3. Why can’t you be like other rom-com friends? You’re not supportive.
  4. When you start talking, I stop listening.
  5. Feed your own ego. I’m busy.
  6. Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
  7. You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
  8. Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.
  9. If you added any more weight, the elevator wouldn’t move.
  10. You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
  11. You have been getting your life together for two years, and I don’t think it wants to be gotten.
  12. You’ve been trying to get your summer body since two winters ago.
  13. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  14. You’re not glowing, honey; you’re basically bathed in oil
  15. Being friends with you is only useful if I’m looking to have a good time.

Short and Simple Roasts

  1. I hate you. All your calories go to your big head and not your body.
  2. Thank God the kids don’t have my surname. Stupid doesn’t run in my family.
  3. You’re more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
  4. Taking a picture of you would put a virus on my phone.
  5. Why would you want to have babies? Don’t pass your dumb genes to an innocent child.
  6. Please clean out this apartment. It’s called being a plant Mom, not being a plant undertaker.
  7. Your writing is not made for the big screen, maybe for the small screen, a phone screen.
  8. I am so single; I wake up to ‘battery full’ every morning.
  9. If I have kids, I will just purposefully forget them at school.
  10. There’s somebody out there for everybody. For you, it’s a psychiatrist.
  11. You’re the reason the gene pool should really have lifeguards.
  12. I did not pick up the phone because I’m ignoring you.
  13. Your eyebrows look like eagle’s wings.
  14. Maybe you should try to eat make-up to improve your ugly personality.
  15. No one noticed when you left; that’s how insignificant you are.
  1. Call me back when you’re ready to be an adult.
  2. Your bad personality is the reason I prefer animals to humans.
  3. Roasting you isn’t easy. It’s hard enough to imagine you with a personality.
  4. I know our son got his brains from you because, well, I still have mine.
  5. Some might call you a smart ass, others a dumb ass; I say you’re just an ass.
  6. I’m sorry that this roast uses your entire vocabulary.
  7. You’ve got so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
  8. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but if I throw a stick, you fetch the bastard and bring it back.
  9. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but you’re the reason God created miscarriages!
  10. You’re so annoying; it’s because of you God gave us all a middle finger.
  11. You’re so ugly your face makes onions cry!
  12. Talking to you is like stepping on a leaf in autumn and hearing no crunch- disappointment.
  13. I knew that it could only be you. Nonsense follows you.
  14. Why are you giving me 100 missed calls? Is it a call to glory?
  15. If your brain was made of dynamite, you couldn’t even blow your nose!

Long Roasts

  1. This will be the first and last roast of the night, as we’ve already used up your entire vocabulary.
  2. I’m not saying you’re ugly, but the reason nobody wants to sleep with you is that they don’t want to be prosecuted for animal abuse.
  3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  4. You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste.
  5. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
  6. It must be fun to wake up each morning knowing that you are that much closer to achieving your dreams of complete and utter mediocrity.
  7. The only reason I take you everywhere with me is that I’d rather do that than kiss your ugly face goodbye.
  8. The only way you’d get hurt from doing exercise would be if you sprained your finger, changing the channel.
  9. Give me a minute; I’m trying to think of an insult that’s dumb enough for you to understand!
  10. You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
  11. You need to try clothes at the store and look in the mirror before you wear things like this.
  12. You and I go way back, and you’ve always been annoying. I mean, you even used to make your happy meal cry.
  13. I’m not saying you’re a commitment-phobe, but baby, my phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
  14. I find the fact that you’ve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
  15. I know it looks like I’m listening to you, but really I’m just visualizing duck tape over your mouth.
  1. Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
  2. Do you know the best part about being your friend? Not having to see you all the time.
  3. You’re like the first slice of bread in a loaf. You get touched by everybody but wanted by none.
  4. They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
  5. My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
  6. It’s a parents job to raise their children right. So looking at you, it’s no wonder your dad quit after just one day.
  7. We are not friends, and we are not even acquaintances. Let’s not pretend like we know each other.
  8. How do you cope with those gaps in your teeth? Are you comfortable with walking around with a window?
  9. I would explain all of these roasts to you, but I forgot to bring you an English to dumbass dictionary.
  10. You’re the type of person who can’t read the room. You don’t understand when you aren’t wanted.
  11. Are you ever overwhelmed with the urge to tell someone to shut up? Because that’s how I feel right now.
  12. I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
  13. I’d say you’re ‘dumb as a rock,’ but at least a rock can hold a door open.
  14. You love to act stupid. I know because I live with you, you’re naturally way dumber than that.
  15. The only reason someone would go down on you is in the hope that your cl*tor*s was an off button.

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359 Best Roasts (Which You Can Use in Every Situation) (2024)


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