45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (2024)

Forty-five of history's funniest insults so witty and cutting that they've outlived the person who delivered them!

Below is a gallery of responses, retorts, and comebacks that are so witty that they’ve outlived the person who delivered them – enjoy this collection of history’s best insults:

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (1)

Mark Twain: "The trouble ain't there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (2)

Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (3)

Groucho Marx: "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (4)

Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (5)

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: "If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (6)

Elizabeth Taylor: "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (7)

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite-- the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the former."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (8)

Beethoven: "I like your opera. I think I will set it to music."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (9)

Roseanne Barr: "We were trying to get pregnant, but I forgot one of us had to have a penis."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (10)

Kierkegaard: "My opponent is a glob of snot."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (11)

Nick Faldo: "We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, the marriage lasted four and a half years."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (12)

Pope John Paul XXIII: (When asked "How many people work in the Vatican?") "About half."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (13)

Dorothy Parker, after a drunk man commented "I can't bear fools": "Apparently your mother could."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (14)

Victor Hugo, on Napoleon: "God was bored by him."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (15)

Catherine The Great: "If you won't be a good example, then you'll have to be a horrible warning."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (16)

Hunter S. Thompson, on presidential candidate Hubert Humphrey: "They don't hardly make 'em like Hubert anymore—but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (17)

Frankie Boyle: "Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!"

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (18)

King Edward VIII: "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (19)

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin met with world leaders to discuss her foreign policy expertise. The meeting lasted 90 seconds."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (20)

Winston Churchill: "Americans will always try to do the right thing-- after they've tried everything else."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (21)

Mahatma Gandhi: "What do you think of Western Civilization?" "I think it would be a good idea."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (22)

Milton Berle: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (23)

Nero, while look at a man he had just killed: "How could I have been afraid of a man with such a long nose?"

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (24)

Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (25)

Ernest Hemingway: "Poor Faulkner. He thinks big emotions come from big words."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (26)

Christopher Hitchens: "If you gave Jerry Falwell an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (27)

Timothy Leary: "Women who want to be equal with men lack ambition."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (28)

Gerald Ford: "Ronnie (Reagan doesn't dye his hair--he's just permanently orange."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (29)

Joan Rivers: "Prince Charles's ears are so big, he could hang-glide over the Falklands!"

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (30)

Mark Twain on Jane Austen: "Every time I read Pride And Prejudice, I want to dig Jane Austen up and hit her over the skull with her own shin bone."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (31)

Oscar Wilde: "Thinking is the most unhealthy disease in the world, and people die of it just as they die of any disease. Luckily, in England at any rate, thought is not catching."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (32)

John Lennon: "Before Elvis, there was nothing."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (33)

William Shakespeare: "The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (34)

Whitney Houston, on the media: "They're devils to me, and they eat my flesh!"

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (35)

H.L. Mencken on FDR: "If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he needs so sorely, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House yard come Wednesday."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (36)

Margaret Thatcher: "If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (37)

Muhammad Ali: "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (38)

Lily Tomlin: "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific!"

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (39)

Dorothy Parker: "The woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (40)

Aristotle: "It is Homer who has chiefly taught other poets the art of lying skillfully."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (41)

John Adams: "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (42)

Groucho Marx: "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you-- he really is an idiot."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (43)

EE Cummings: "A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man"

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (44)

Charlotte Whitton: "Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (45)

(On a performance) What do you think of the singer's execution?Calvin Coolidge: I'm all for it.

How amazing would it feel to deliver such a gut-wrenching one-liner? For even more of the best insults, check out our other posts on funny quotes and history's best comebacks. Then, have a look at the famous last words of well-known historical figures. And be sure to like All That's Interesting on Facebook.

45 Of The Funniest Insults In Human History (2024)

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